The @-Work Nettwerk
Mundane Tasks and Capitalist Pig-Dog Commands

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I looked on the internet for a picture of a goat to use on my desktop at work and discovered www.minidonkeys.com. I had no idea.

I had this idea that they should change "Reagan National Airport" to "Reggae National Airport." I think that would be cool.

A woman verbally threatened to bomb my supervisor yesterday due to her rejection from the University. When I heard this, I pictured a woman holding a round black ball illuminated by a spark, posing like a baseball pitcher about to pitch and squinting like a super villain, and I chuckled to myself.

See also www.goats.co.uk

I'm working a temp job. At first, I was extremely contientious. On my third day working, I got chewed out twice for doing things that I hadn't done. They didn't believe me when I said it wasn't me. Livid, I left the office for a bit. While I was gone, they sorted everything out and found that I was right. The next day I was late to work, wore a t-shirt, and surfed the internet all day. My supervisor asked to talk to me and I informed him that the next time I got yelled at, I intended to deserve it. He looked very awkward, and asked if I'd like to have the position permanently, for twice the money.

2 Sudafed, 2 Extra Strength Tylenol, 4 cough drops, 2 cups of coffee, www.c3f.com/nty0507.html

My friend and I spent way too much time making a screensaver that said "David is a dork" and then setting the password to read "iamadork." Then we changed all the screen colors to clashing fluorescents and the monitor quit functioning for two weeks.

I heard the beginning chords of "Living La Vita Loca" come on the radio, and I laughed, because I was thinking about the time Ricky Martin was on Oprah, and he had little sweat rings under his arms, and I thought, "Yuck, I don't think I would EVER fuck him. And for me, that's saying a lot. I HATE little sweat rings." Then I took a big long lunch break.

The Metro driver kept saying "Clear the plat-form. Clear the plat-form." Then he threatened to kick us all of the train because the doors wouldn't shut. When he finally got the doors shut and the train was moving, he said "I told you I was going to clear the train. You better watch your objects." Then when we got to the next station he said "Clear the plat-form." Again.

I called FedEx regarding a bill they sent and had a nice conversation with the rep about her baby kicking.

I let two of my "underlings" stop working early. We went to the mall for pizza and rice and shared "if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer" anecdotes from middle school.

Today I got to walk to the library and do newspaper research on microfiche. One can get a headache frighteningly reminiscent of a hangover if you try to read while making the words move. . .in other news, one of our receptionists is out with "female troubles." It turns out she's been having her period for the past month and a half.

I spent all afternoon using my mom's calling card to tell my friends that I quit.

I discovered that turning off the monitor makes for a great mirror, you know for doing your hair or for just looking into; You don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom to get to a mirror!

"Today I had tea, usually I have coffee, but today I had tea. I figured, I kind of feel like tea today."

Today my boss and I talked for a half an hour about 'The Sixth Sense' and how frightened we were and how we both didn't see that surprise ending AT ALL! We really bonded over that.

(I see dead people)

Today I filed e-mails about conference calls to London entitled "London Calling." If only they knew how clever they are...

One of Life's Little Lessons, Vol. 43, no. 7486: Don't call France if you don't speak French!

I thought it would be a nice treat to have candy in my cube. So before work I stopped at Dominicks and bought a whole bag of Reese's Cups. Throughout the day I ate half of the bag and all the wrappers were in my small trash can. A co-worker came in and looked in my trash can, and said "Wow, someone has the munchies! Are those all from today?" I was so embarrassed. I lied and said they were from the week before when I really ate them all that day.

I had to ask the counter guy at Kinko's to help me find the supplies in the FedEx drop box. He came all the way outside to show me that you just open the top. Meanwhile the people sitting outside at the coffee shop next door were amused.

You may not want to read this one. Four quick phrases: Office toilet. Overflow. Diarreha. Corn for dinner last night. Warned you...

I told the guy at the drugstore next door to my office to be rude to a short British guy in overalls (my boss).

I spent an hour discussing racism in America with a new employee instead of training him.

Discussing robberies in and around my Boston University Office, one of the men said that we should all have to wear ID badges, because "you can't tell a student from a hoodlum."

My boss told me he would have been willing to communicate more openly to improve our working relationship. Then he asked me four times if we had a map of North Carolina. (Actually, it was only three times, but hyperbole is the friend of the @-work humorist.)

I just found out that the exact price of my soul is $14.00/hour with paid vacations (3 weeks) and benefits.