The @-Work Nettwerk
Mundane Tasks and Capitalist Pig-Dog Commands
Today's "Golden Cubicle Award" Goes to Sara Baumann, in honor of her
** Let me preface this by reminding you that I work in Boston. The British
guy in the office lost his box of tea. He asked everyone if they'd seen
it, and I suggested that maybe someone threw it in the harbor. I don't
think he understood what I meant. Later, the tea turned up behind the
I looked on the internet for a picture of a goat to use on my desktop at
work and discovered www.minidonkeys.com. I had no idea.
I had this idea that they should change "Reagan National Airport" to
"Reggae National Airport." I think that would be cool.
A woman verbally threatened to bomb my supervisor yesterday due to her
rejection from the University. When I heard this, I pictured a woman
holding a round black ball illuminated by a spark, posing like a baseball
pitcher about to pitch and squinting like a super villain, and I chuckled
See also www.goats.co.uk
I'm working a temp job. At first, I was extremely contientious. On my
third day working, I got chewed out twice for doing things that I hadn't
done. They didn't believe me when I said it wasn't me. Livid, I left the
office for a bit. While I was gone, they sorted everything out and found
that I was right. The next day I was late to work, wore a t-shirt, and
surfed the internet all day. My supervisor asked to talk to me and I
informed him that the next time I got yelled at, I intended to deserve it.
He looked very awkward, and asked if I'd like to have the position
permanently, for twice the money.
2 Sudafed, 2 Extra Strength Tylenol, 4 cough drops, 2 cups of coffee,
My friend and I spent way too much time making a screensaver that said
"David is a dork" and then setting the password to read "iamadork." Then
we changed all the screen colors to clashing fluorescents and the monitor
quit functioning for two weeks.
I heard the beginning chords of "Living La Vita Loca" come on the radio,
I laughed, because I was thinking about the time Ricky Martin was on
and he had little sweat rings under his arms, and I thought, "Yuck, I don't
think I would EVER fuck him. And for me, that's saying a lot. I HATE
sweat rings." Then I took a big long lunch break.
The Metro driver kept saying "Clear the plat-form. Clear the plat-form."
Then he threatened to kick us all of the train because the doors wouldn't
shut. When he finally got the doors shut and the train was moving, he
"I told you I was going to clear the train. You better watch your
Then when we got to the next station he said "Clear the plat-form."
I called FedEx regarding a bill they sent and had a nice conversation with
the rep about her baby kicking.
I let two of my "underlings" stop working early. We went to the mall for
pizza and rice and shared "if your hand is bigger than your face you have
cancer" anecdotes from middle school.
Today I got to walk to the library and do newspaper research on
One can get a headache frighteningly reminiscent of a hangover if you try
to read while making the words move. . .in other news, one of our
receptionists is out with "female troubles." It turns out she's been
her period for the past month and a half.
I spent all afternoon using my mom's calling card to tell my friends that
Today's "Golden Cubicle" Award Goes to, well, me, because I am feeling
**This morning I forgot my umbrella and was drenched by Hurricaine
Floyd, so I got to the office, took off my clothes, wrung them out and was
sitting at my computer in my boxers when the building manager walked in to
see if the floor was leaking. She was at first shocked (by my state of
undress AND the leaking...) but immediately outfitted me in a snappy
courtesy the architects upstairs. I guess the point here, really, is that
right now I look pretty hot, sort of like an architect.**
I discovered that turning off the monitor makes for a great mirror, you
for doing your hair or for just looking into; You don't even have to get
to go to the bathroom to get to a mirror!
"Today I had tea, usually I have coffee, but today I had tea. I figured, I
kind of feel like tea today."
Today my boss and I talked for a half an hour about 'The Sixth Sense' and
how frightened we were and how we both didn't see that surprise ending AT
ALL! We really bonded over that.
(I see dead people)
Today I filed e-mails about conference calls to London entitled "London
Calling." If only they knew how clever they are...
One of Life's Little Lessons, Vol. 43, no. 7486: Don't call France if you
don't speak French!
I thought it would be a nice treat to have candy in my cube. So before
I stopped at Dominicks and bought a whole bag of Reese's Cups. Throughout
the day I ate half of the bag and all the wrappers were in my small trash
can. A co-worker came in and looked in my trash can, and said "Wow,
has the munchies! Are those all from today?" I was so embarrassed. I lied
and said they were from the week before when I really ate them all that
I had to ask the counter guy at Kinko's to help me find the supplies in
FedEx drop box. He came all the way outside to show me that you just open
the top. Meanwhile the people sitting outside at the coffee shop next door
You may not want to read this one. Four quick phrases: Office toilet.
Overflow. Diarreha. Corn for dinner last night. Warned you...
I told the guy at the drugstore next door to my office to be rude to a
British guy in overalls (my boss).
I spent an hour discussing racism in America with a new employee instead
Discussing robberies in and around my Boston University Office, one of the
men said that we should all have to wear ID badges, because "you can't
a student from a hoodlum."
My boss told me he would have been willing to communicate more openly to
improve our working relationship. Then he asked me four times if we had a
map of North Carolina. (Actually, it was only three times, but hyperbole
the friend of the @-work humorist.)
I just found out that the exact price of my soul is $14.00/hour with paid
vacations (3 weeks) and benefits.
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