The @-Work Nettwerk
Mundane Tasks and Capitalist Pig-Dog Commands
Volume Thirty-Nine: Return of the
I would usually never give the Golden Cubicle Award to a website
submissions. However I thought that everyone needed to learn a new skill. So
today’s "Golden Cubicle Award" goes to Jessica Roberts, of San Francisco,
California, who recommends:
What is the special skill? A quick check of the site reveals the following four step
guide: "The Homo Handshake: Part of a continuing series on exposing the homosexual agenda.
We reveal in graphic detail the four steps of the homosexual handshake used to recruit
young people into a life of sin." Recruit well, and have fun in the bathroom!
Countless breakthroughs in the field of mailing technology, and still no
device for inserting letters into envelopes. Oh science, where art thou?
Senior Energy Analyst walked by my cube on the way to lunch, polishing a
pair of yellow aviator sunglasses on his shirt. We had a brief conversation
about sunglasses, which ended with his comment "You know why I like these
sunglasses? They're yellow. They make everything look
like it's sunny outside, even when it really isn't." I couldn't reply, the
depth of the metaphor left me speechless.
Somebody clogged up the urinal. Explain that one.
I watched an ant crawl up the wall at work today. It got about half way up
and then it fell. I've never seen an ant fall before. He's making his way
back up the wall now. Let's see if he makes it this time... Nope. He fell
I always fill up my water bottle in the bathroom. However, I believe that
people may suspect that I am filling up the water bottle with pee, for I go
in and it is empty, I come out and it is full. But, then I reassure myself
that if they do think that, the "water" is crystal clear, which means that I
am quite the healthy lass.
People at work keep calling me 'Amy.' That isn’t my name. I don't know,
maybe I should say something.
I finished my AmeriCorps stint and no longer get to work with the hoodies.
On the plus side, I thought that would mean I'd never have to hear "WHO LET
THE DOGS OUT *woof woof woof woof*" ever again. I temped for a week in a
high-tech company, and on Friday morning to pump the execs up, guess what
they played? How was I to know that corporate pasty white men and hoodies
had so much in common?
Today I finally happened to walk by the office of the firm's president. It
was very large and done in polished wood and had a green carpet. A sign on
the door said "Gone hunting." The lights were off and in the back corner of
the office, there was a computer. I saw a shadowy figure playing Arkanoid.
The next day, 22 people were laid off from the firm.
Perhaps modernism really is dead after all. Just a thought.
My new fun game is saying, "Have a good day," to people as they get off the
elevator. It fosters community _and_ it really freaks them out.
Yesterday I was sitting in the conference room eating a meatball-and-cheese
sandwich for lunch. One of the engineers stepped into the room and saw the
sandwich. "ah, the food of the gods!" he proclaimed. With a mouthful of
bread I corrected him, "Food of the accountant temps." He left the room
immediately. Today I have no idea what to say to him. Was there some
horrible breach of etiquette?
Today my co-workers and I decided which character from the Facts of Life we are most
representative of. Here is the list:
Our Boss: Mrs. Garrett (of course)
as narcissistic, but has great hair)
Wendy: Jo (likes cars, sports, and can probably
handle a motorcycle better than anyone else in Reference)
Caroline: Tootie (cute and would
look great on roller skates)
Elizabeth: Natalie (the sarcastic one)
Last Tuesday I missed my train, and while waiting for the next train I
noticed a woman on the platform opposite. Since then I've been deliberately
missing my train, because she looks like my South African friend Kate , and
it's much cheaper and easier than flying to Capetown.
I've just come from the supply closet. The fruits of my labors include:
1 package copier paper
1 neon pink post it note pad (lined; 4 x 6 in)
2 boxes binder clips (size small)
stack of non-logo compliant stationary for scratch paper
Excerpts from a company memo regarding our upcoming move to a new office.
Friday, September 15th 2:30:
All NON-Production employees will be dismantled
at this time and their personal items and systems will be taken to the new
Furniture: We have ordered new cubicles for the office and I will post the
fabric pattern and drawing on the wall next to the space plan
Bus: The new facility is on a bus line but the service for certain routes is
not exactly desirable so someone will be contacting MetroTransit to find out
if we can add additional routes. I do recommend that if your only form of
transportation into the office is by using the bus system that you find out
what your best plan of action is.
**A frightening and portentious blast from the past, from our last nettwerk…
"New York" magazine, 7/31, on why Dubya will be the next President: "He may
be dangerously incompetent, but he's cute." (Note from the ubermensch on
this one - —two
great sites are www.opposeashcroft.com and
www.saynotonorton.org, which allow you in minutes to send ready made letters
to your senators opposing the nomination of two of the most potentially
dangerous public officials since, well…Ronald Reagan. As a sidenote, Ronald
Reagan got a plastic hip on Saturday.)**
Volume Forty: My Boss Is Coming So I Have To Hit Send
Today'’s "Golden Cubicle Award" goes to Chy Spain, of Philadelphia,Pennsylvania:
**We cater to a special group of kids here at the Attic Youth Center—a center for sexual
minority youth (that means GAY people). Take today, for example. I was asked to go to the
back store room to pull out juice and soda for the kids. In order to do this I have to
pass through the "cafe" where approximately 10-15 black drag queens are voguing to
repetitive house beats dropped over the catchy phrase "cunt, pussy, cunt, pussy . . .
feeling cunt, feeling -ty . . . cun -TY, cun -TY, cun -TY!" I tried not to think too much
about my four years of college education and what it taught me about gender politics, and
so I just grabbed the Capri Sun quickly and ran.**
Dave wasn't kidding about the
Wendy's biggie menu--its going to take a lot to unclog that office toilet.
In December, "Backdoor Santa" was on constant loop in the elevator. Now that the holidays
are over, the Greatest Hits of Connie Francis are on repeat, except that the CD player is
dying and one of the lights is flickering, so the elevator is just the saddest damn roller
rink you've ever seen.
Why is there no "W" key on my keyboard?
I work in a hospital. When you have a bad day in a hospital, it can be a REALLY bad day.
For example, last week, I cut my finger on the infectious diseases and epidemiology floor,
I got kicked out of the elevator at lunch so that they could transport an "expired"
patient down to the mourge, and the nurses were discussing flesh-eating bacteria cases
that they had seen at lunch.
Today I came back from lunch to discover that my supervisor had unexpectedly gone away on
vacation. That's right. While I was at lunch.
Today at work I gave myself a french manicure, only with white-out instead of nailpolish.
Time to find out what the laser has done for us lately... http://students.washington.edu/jboyd/laser.htm
So I applied for a job working with Koko, the signing gorilla. I was
hesitant to apply since I don't know sign language, but then my father
assured me if a monkey could learn sign language, it probably wouldn't be
that hard for me, either. Gee, thanks Dad.
Today my co-worker and I hypotisized as to whether we could actually get
away with slipping our boss some brownies baked with weed in them. Then we
fantasized about serving the same dish at the next staff meeting. Goodies
are always encouraged.
I don't like riding the bus to work because every time I do this crazy guy
on there tells me how pretty I am and asks where I live. Then he asks for 50
Our group (GIS and IT stuff) was pondering a way to promote our services to
other non-profits. We decided that a quarterly newsletter would do the
trick. I said I'd post it to our website and send it out as email, and then
one of my co-workers chimed in, "Yeah! And maybe we could do a bulk
mailing!" He was WAY too excited about bulk mailings.
After working here for 7 months, people are still calling me "Amy," and I
still haven't said anything.
My supervisor frequently goes to the conferences we sponsor. These are
usually in places like Miami Beach, Boca Raton, Boston, San Francisco, New
Orleans, etc. Every time she comes back, she is grouchy and complains about
how much she hates to travel. And every time, I tell her I would love to go
in her place. But she still goes to them all, has a miserable time, and
leaves me here in Minneapolis, bored out of my socks.
There's a window in my office, with a lovely view of... the hall. What
architect thought that was a good idea?
Professional accomplishments for week of 29 Jan-2 Feb.
1) Wearing same black cardigan to work every day.
2) Taping cool looking piece of bubble wrap to office wall.
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Copyright 2001, Benjamin Wyskida and Andrew Myatt
Nettwerk : Cubicle85@hotmail.com
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