The @-Work Nettwerk
Mundane Tasks and Capitalist Pig-Dog Commands
Volume Forty-One: Nobody Wants to Be Lonley
This issue's Golden Cubicle Award goes to Mr. Bradley Sroka, of Annapolis,
MD, for his astute Freudian analysis of workplace snack foods:
**Sexual Harassment in the Workplace: I'm eating these 'Team' Goldfish, the
little cheese crackers, in 'Fun Baseball Shapes.' The packaging reads,
Stock the 'dugout' to keep your team 'satisfied' through the seventh inning
'stretch!' It's like when you listen carefully to Steely Dan and realize
what their singing about; I'm totally creeped out. **
Just got back from the bathroom. I think it rather festive to have a period
on Valentine's Day!
I got offered a job at the Haagen-Daaz across the street from the Louvre
The gentleman using the reference room today has a nice ass.
It is true that 1.5% of home accidents are caused by large penis related
incidents, only a small number have ever been known to be fatal. A large
penis is a friend as well as a foe. Treat it as such. http://www.lpsg.org/
I can't stand it when co-workers talk to me on the elevator. So, as to avoid
it this morning, it seemed like a good idea to avoid joining my co-worker on
the elevator by pretending to tie my shoe. However, I realized that wasn't
a good idea because I could always tie my shoe on the elevator. So, I
thought it best to throw up the index finger and sort of beat the forehead
w/ the other hand and mumble "shoot" and begin to walk away, like I forgot
something, until the elevator shuts, with plans to just get the next one.
But, when someone is in the hallway and has seen you do this, whether or not
you know them, it is best to keep walking all the way back out the door so
as to not look crazy. Once outside, you can mail a letter or get a bagel.
Today I typed the following sentence: "Hill's was the only file that had
chickens in a barnyard as subject matter.
We're supposed to pay 30 cents each time we get a cup of coffee from the
kitchen here at work. If you don't want to pay but don't want to feel guilty
about it, it helps if you just pick up some change already in the cup and
drop it back in.
Eight hungry eyes leered at me today as my boss arrived with office supplies
for me in the back of her truck, including a brand new HL-1240 brother
printer. "get BACK! BACK, i say!"
Professional activities for week of 5-9 February:
1) Black cardigan. . .yup.
2) Managed (almost) to delete entire in-box.
3) Played a mean game of rubber band ball catch with registrar.
A recent work-related bathroom discovery: Charmin’s Ultra toilet paper is an
improvement of their regular toilet paper. According to a chart on the
product’s packaging, the ‘strength’ of the regular toilet paper is ‘strong’
but ultra is ‘stronger,’ the ‘thickness’ of regular is ‘thick’ but ultra is
‘thicker,’ and the ‘softness’ of regular is ‘soft’ whereas ultra is
‘softer.’ The chart that provides this information only consists of these
quoted words. This is obviously a masterpiece of late 20th Century
advertising and media.
This guy needs to subscribe to the network:
I had to go to a new employee orientation. It was SO boring that on the
evaluation I wrote in the comments section "I am fully emotionally prepared
to gnaw off one of my own limbs to get out of here as fast as possible."
When I turned it in, the guy giving the orientation looked at my evaluation
and then looked at me funny. I am mildly concerned that he is going to
contact my supervisor about "unprofessional comments."
A coworker, trusting the spellchecker, sent an email that should have read:
"Sorry for the inconvenience....". instead read: "Sorry for the incontinence
this may have caused you." Then we wondered how many other people have made
the same mistake.
Yesterday I got angry at work and convinced a coworker that it was a good
idea to walk to the bar across the street from our Federal building and
start drinking. An hour later I sauntered back into the office. My boss
found me right away and said she'd been looking for me. She then asked me
to look over some things she'd written to nominate me for two national
As I type this, my co-worker Caroline is demonstrating for me all of the
ice skating jumps in ascending levels of difficulty.
I spoke with my boss on a cell phone this morning, and his voice kept
mutating into a robot voice, but I watched enough Transformers in my prime
to understand what he was saying.
I work for a pharmaceutical company. (Don't worry, tomorrow's my last day.)
A big part of what I do involves compiling data about different illnesses
our drugs treat and sending them to the field sales reps. Ironically
enough, today I was working on a "Smoking Cessation Resource Binder" and it
made me want a cigarette. The Migraine studies I did two weeks ago gave me
a headache, and the antidepressant market shares graphs really had me down.
I'm glad I quit before they got to something really awful...I hear there's a
new AIDS drug in the pipeline...
Today I made a mistake that cost us $1,110 and ruined a clients summer
Finally, a note from Sarah, our Paris correspondent:
I'm trying to type on the WORST computer in this entire beautiful high tech
internet cafe. Why have I got the worst computer? Because I speak French
with an anglophone accent. Because, as happens approximately every other
time I come here, the bartender heard the accent rather than what I said,
spoke to me in English as if I hadn't just TOLD him I saw the waiting list
for computers, and gave me the shitty computer with the anglophone keyboard
without asking whether or not I wanted it. And I keep coming back to this
place! Tell me why? France is lovely otherwise. Cheers.
Volume Forty Two: Whach You Talkin About,
Today’s "Golden Cubicle Award" goes to Jenny Jones, of Washington D.C:
** I guess it's probably best NOT to point out to your co-worker that the
dress she is wearing today is the exact same one worn by the mannequin at
the Rite-Aid next door.**
I stepped out of my car this morning to discover a used condom lying in the
gutter. How come no one wants to express their love to ME in the parking
lot behind Perkins?
A coworker (who is like my mom's age), in a supremely misguided gesture,
tried to set me up with my ex, who also works in this office. Finally,
after she had cc-ed us on multiple personal e-mails, I decided to inform her
of the delicacy of the situation. "We were involved for several years and
it didn't end well." She apologized profusely and then spoke at length
about how hot he is
I just took a message from a lady named Gina Kolata...and now i'm very, very
I realized all too late today that I should have bought cookies when I was
at the CVS this morning. Now I'll have to make a second trip, health be
There was an earthquake today at work. Ok, so it wasn't just at work. It
was kind of everywhere. I shared a bolted down table in the center of the
vending machine room with a cutie guy (I swear, it was a moment). The
building was totally intact, but I did hear that there was a crack in the
floor of the 9th level. I'm glad I don't spend much time there.
Today I realized that you send faxes face down, not face up, so nothing I’ve
faxed for the last two months of my job has gone through.
I work in a hospital. All day, every day, I read people's diagnoses and it
is beginning to make me a little crazy. I am currently convinced that I
have breast, lung, skin, and colon cancer, tuberculosis, diabetes, acute
renal failure, respritory distress, edema, stenosis, and the name Janet Reno
gets stuck in my head all day. I think the only thing I have REALLY caught
today i am engaged in a rigorous regimen of isometric exercises for the
purpose of improving my orgasms...*1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10
My job requires me to carry my office with me and rove from floor to floor
in a 17 floor building. Towards the end of the day I am usually pretty
tired and I don't want to take the stairs as much. If I'm on the 9th floor
and I have to go to the 11th floor, I will hit the up button on the
elevator, and if no one is in the elevator when it arrives, I will get in
and hit the 11 button, but if someone else IS in there and they'd know I was
being lazy, I'll hit the 17th floor button, walk down to the 16th floor, and
hit the down button from there so it looks like I'm traveling 5 floors down,
which looks less lazy than 3 floors up. Sometimes I will walk down several
flights of stairs and hit the up button from there so it also looks like I'm
My co-worker just asked if she could borrow a kleenex. I said, "That's
okay. You may keep it."
So the structural engineers were called in at work (earthquake blah blah
blah) because there's a big crack in the floor on the 5th - 11th floors and
the ceiling is sagging on the 7th 8th and 9th. So they masking taped the
crack shut. Like THAT's going to do a lot of good. Why don't they just put
a band-aid on it? I bet they get paid more than me. Maybe I need to look
into a new job. I can put masking tape on cracks in buildings.
Today I walked past one of the assistant director's offices and caught him
with his finger in the gold mine. He's a jerk (and dumb) so that fact that
he saw me walk by with his finger in his nose fills me with all kinds of
I walk past a mammogram clinic several times a day as it is just down the
hall from me. Every time I walk past, I worry that I might have breast
cancer and I remember that I really ought to do a self exam. The thing is,
I have the urge to do them right on the spot, so I find myself
surreptitiously fondling my breasts looking for lumps but also trying not to
look like a pervert.
Keri, hungry for both food and nature, opts to take her lunch by the scenic
water's edge. She settles herself on a bench, has a tasty sandwich and, as
often happens to wayward interns with too much time on their hands, becomes
overwhelmed by a desire to sleep. Why not? She thinks, settling her head on
top of her faux-leather plastic airline bag for a small snooze in the trendy
Georgetown sun. The next thing she knows, a friendly looking man is shaking
her shoulder. "here," he says, handing her a small bag of chips. "take
these." a bewildered keri takes them, drool from her snooze glowing on her
cheeks as she gazes upward at the fatherly figure. "take this too," he says,
handing her some change. He smiles down at her sympathetically, then walks
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Copyright 2001, Benjamin Wyskida and Andrew Myatt
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