The @-Work Nettwerk
Mundane Tasks and Capitalist Pig-Dog Commands

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Volume Seven

Today's "Golden Cubicle Award" Goes To Erik Williamsen (chorus of St. Mary's alums: "WHO?" Well kids, this list is big. Bigger than all of us. To quote 80's music, "Bigger than Jesus now." Please accept blindly) We congratulate Erik on being in close proximity to a fabulous idea:
**Well, they fired the student worker in my office today after looking through her desk and finding all the work she didn't do. I wonder if they would mind if I replaced her desk with a couch and TV.**

I'm listening to the new Nine Inch Nails album, which I bought; a gesture I compare to attending one's high school reunion (ugh) and bringing somebody really inappropriate, like Caligula. Or maybe like watching the movie "Caligula," which ought to be good for a laugh, but it isn't.

I almost got dumped last night, so today I stared at my screen saver for two hours, ate seven chocolate donuts, and now I'm leaving. HA HA, isn't this one FUNNY?

I had an unannounced meeting outside of my supervisor's office this morning. I crowded with my coworkers to find out what was going on. "There is no work to do today," he said; "try to look busy."

I was walking back to work with a from a coffee break and taking a short-cut through an alley. Ahead of me, in the distance, I saw two identical twins walking side by side in formal office wear. They were conspiculously looking around to make sure no one was watching, and when they thought no one was looking, one of them passed something from his shoulder bag to the other, who quickly stashed it in his brief case. It was a naked baby doll with long brown hair.

www.dicks.com, www.washingtoncitypaper.com/personals, www.soleilmoonfrye.com

Reading the Village Voice at work today, I realized I've seen exactly zero goths in Washington. Nick Cave once said: "When the big bomb goes off, all that's going to be left are goths and cockroaches." Maybe they know something we don't.

A co-worker pal and I were discussing how much we hated job interviews. I made the observation that a job interview was like a blind date with someone you don't like, but still are desperately trying to get them into bed.

Yesterday, I had a headache. I'm convinced it was the result of communists beaming microwaves at my brain from outer space. I shared this with a coworker and he recommended I wear tin foil on my head to reflect the beams back at the satelite to knock it out of orbit. Unfortunately, I don't have any tin foil, so today I still have a headache.

Today I had a temp position stuffing envelopes. Stuff stuff seal. Stuff stuff seal. Eventually, I found that if I slid them down the end of the table, they'd hit a glass of water that was sitting there and go "DINK!" It was kind of like a typewriter getting to the end of a line. I had great fun going stuff stuff seal DINK! Stuff stuff seal DINK! until I DINKed the glass off the end of the table and it DINKed into a hundred little pieces.

Our new workspace will have an ominous looking glassed-in room at its center. I received an email about the company picnic, planned by a mysterious entity called "The Committee," which made several references to Austin Powers. Also, our coffee supply is now being provided by Starbucks. Coincidence? I don't think so.

I did a mailing today. One was addressed to a guy named Michael Jackson. It wasn't the real one because he lived in Seattle and worked for a bank.

Yesterday the parking attendant accidentally gave me two tickets, so I got them both validated and then sold one of them to the woman in the parking lot for $2. Today I used that $2 to buy chocolate donuts.

Today's Golden Cubicle Award Goes to...HA!!! ME!!! "Ben, you are so...decadent!" Yes I know, I know, thats what they tell me...with the bedroom eyes and such... but life needs some pleasures, no?
**I am responsible for hiring an administrative assistant, so I have to check people's references, and the first reference for one of our applicants is named "Dale Buttland." So today I called up and said, "Hello, is Mr. Buttland there please," and the secretary said, "Oh, you have the wrong extension, let me check on the number," and she yelled to a coworker, "How do I send this guy to Buttland?" and I thought...I don't want to go to Buttland!!!**

In protest of animal testing, several students have locked themselves in cages outside of the science tower here at the University of Minnesota. I suppose this proves that, yes, despite all their rage they are each still a rat in a cage.

Yesterday I was trapped on an elevator with four very animated lesbians. We all sang "let it be," and then they asked me very specifc questions about oral sex. Then one of them gave me a twizzler, and they all sort of laughed.

The Office of Protection Services is in the same building as our collection storage. When you get off the elevator you used to be greeted by a manenequin named Officer Doe. He scared the researchers until the most tragic thing happened. I was going up the elevator thinking about how Officer Doe used to startle me, but I was so happy now that I was used to him. I got of the elevator and he WASN'T THERE!!!!! Where, oh where has Officer Doe gone?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?

Today we had team building activities at work. I had to swing from one platform to another on a rope like Tarzan.

A friend of ours sent an email to five or six people asking them if they'd all like to get together for lunch one day, and she includes the new guy in sales on this list. Later that day, Sales Guy writes back to her saying it really turns him on, and asks her what kind of underwear she's wearing. Apparently this is his typical sort of communication.

My former coworker and I check the "Missed Connections" (i.e., "I Saw You") section of the free paper every week to see if anyone has fallen in love with us. No one has.

Today, a moving company is rearranging the walls of our cubicles and moving furniture where requested. They will be dealing with such colorfully named items as "power poles" and "coffins." "Coffins" are long desk drawers that attach to the walls of our cubicles. One of my coworkers jokes about how she can actually fit into one of these "coffins." The social critique of this statement is difficult to bear.

The penny jar at the coffee shop in my building says, "don't feed the animals," in an effort to curb kind but unnecessary gratuities. "What a brief yet compelling discussion of capitalism," I thought to myself, before realizing I should go to graduate school or start watching television.

Today my supervisor confided to me: "I feel like I'm five years old; I should be at home playing with my trucks." He asked if I ever feel this way, and said, "no," and he replied, "you will." Oh dear Christ.

Two Entries from the "Self-Referential Department," which show HOW BIG the network has become:
Today at work I found myself spending a good 5 minutes trying to figure out how I could conceivably enter in Ben's "At Work Network Mundane Tasks. . ." into an SPSS file, cross listed with certain attributes and coded tonal arrangements, and then run a cluster analysis on them in order to find out if I could guess who said what.

I keep a printed copy of the @-work Nettwerk in the folder I reference for processing applications. It's behind the section designated for memos from meetings. I like to finger through the @-work Nettwerk while I'm supposed to be looking up processes. I'm thinking of quitting soon.

Two Entries from the "It Must be Frigid Cold In Minnesota" Department:
I'm asked to "look busy" again today. I'm thinking of putting this on my resume as a skill, though I would prefer to be getting busy.

Do you ever wonder why we all have to work? I mean, as a species, we could automate everything and I could stay at home and have sex all day? Well, that is, if I had a girlfriend.