The @-Work Nettwerk
Mundane Tasks and Capitalist Pig-Dog Commands
Today I Said The Word
"Rectum" To My Boss
Today's Golden Cubicle Award Goes to Ms. L., mostly because
**I used to wonder how we became a nation of lazy, overweight, apathetic,
reactionary, sitcom-watching, top 40 radio-listening, short-attention-span
sedentary useless fucks. After working a "real job" for six
months...well...I think I understand. Can I have a doughnut now?**
Yesterday, one of my co-workers dialed in to win LIVE tickets. We thought
she was caller ten because they kept her on hold through all the
commercials. We waited with breathless anticipation, but in the end she
lost. Then we had lunch. (Note from the editor: This is in no way an at
nettwerk endorsement of Live)
I just got my very own nameplate.
My co-worker Thao was very excited about her snack this morning. She
bounced into my cube and proudly thrust an apple in my direction. "Look,
it's Apple!" she cried. She tired of the apple quickly and
Confucious say: Picking up your hole punch without the bottom fastened on
securely makes your office look like a snow-capped mountain peak.
--right now!! Click on Pojo , he's the funniest, try all three
Yesterday at work, as I was typing lables for file folders, one of them
managed to come off the sheet and affix itself to the inside of my
co-workers typewriter. I used a paperclip and then a letter opener to
a good portion of it, but now whenever you hit return the machine makes a
horrible gurggling noise like it's dying. . .
"If something is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well." --
If I had the authority, I'd fire myself for gross negligence of
job duties. Oh well, I guess I'm safe for now as I don't
trust anyone else with this information.
Now I understand why people go to bars after work.
I'm getting sick of my consistent typing errors, especially with
outlook. I have my boyfriend's mom's email address in my
address book, but i
always spell her name wrong and then it doesn't recognize her. The
part of it is that her name is connie, and without fail, I always try to
send the message to "commie."
I was cranky before worked today, so I smoked a small amount of marijuana.
should say for the record that I do not work for the National Glaucoma
I spent a good chunk of a day last week using double-sided tape to stick
boss's business card into a publication for our program.
double-sided tape before.
The architects upstairs just restocked their liquor cabinet.
I had an exceptionally good week in terms of free food. 3 free lunches,
there was this meeting that had way too much food at it, so i scored a
of pre-chopped veggies and filled a gallon-size freezer bag with them.
fry for dinner tonight at my house!
And, featuring the @-Work Nettwerks First Ever Top Ten List: The Top Ten
Things Said by Speakers at the Incredibly Boring Conference My Boss Made
Go to on Friday:
10. "Pardon me for boring you..."
9. "I seem to be going on too long..."
8. "Is it REALLY that late?"
7. "I'd like to speak off topic for a moment..."
6. "Excuse me while I talk off topic again..."
5. "Can you hear me?"
4. "I brought overhead slides, but we can't figure out how to work the
3. "Is this thing on?"
2. "My wife told me I would bore you."
1. "I am going to speak off topic one more time..."
Even After Four Goddamn Months, I Still
See Dead People
Today's Golden Cubicle Award Goes to Wes Stitt, of Minneapolis, Minnesota.
**Arr... I be a pirate, and some days this job be barely worth the
My last entry was just a bitchfest ending with "Can I have a doughnut
and on Tuesday morning I opened my email to learn I won the Golden Cubicle
Award for it. At that moment, I was eating one of the free doughnuts
somebody had brought to the office. In light of this odd coincidence:
I have a scholarship for graduate school, a furnished apartment in Paris,
and an Alexander McQueen wardrobe now?"
Word Perfect: The Irony Alone Is Enough To Make You Cry
Sorry Little Timmy: Why I've Decided To Stop Christmas (based on a true
@-work email): "Holiday Cards are addressed and ready to be signed.
are sitting in the open cube next to Ann Marie. When you have a minute,
please sign the cards of clients that you know.Thanks."
Today, I suggested that we should be allowed to smoke cigars at work. The
motion was not seconded.
Last Wednesday at about 10 a.m. there was a terrific burnt-toast/ popcorn
smell in the office. A quick visual check of the microwaves and toasters
the building yielded nothing. It was speculated that something might be
amiss electrically. This caused a supervisor to get down on all fours and
sniff her electrical outlets. It was later determined that someone had
indeed burned the hell out of a bag of microwave popcorn, but it took an
electrician digging in the trash to find that out.
Whenever I type the word "Fuck," which is more often than you might
my computer's spell checker alerts me that I have misspelled the word
My new assistant tucks his sweatshirts into his pants. He's also ugly.
Today I attacked the Y2K bug by setting back the clock on the VCR by 17
years. The bathrooms at my office are pentagonal, so the reverberations
my boss telling me that the idea of setting back the VCR cost the company
$10,000 echoed triumphantly. We peed side by side--like men.
I am waiting for the architects upstairs to go home so I can eat their
On my last day working as a WASHPIRG door-to-door canvasser, the last guy
who agreed to sign up for a membership went through the entire transaction
(writing a check, signing my statement of support, answering our survey
questions) with his fly unzipped. While this was not the only thing that
inspired me to quit, I've gotta say that it makes it hard to fight for the
public interest when you realize that the public is a) not really
and b) made up almost entirely of idiotic squids. (Editor's note: Last
summer I interned for Sierra Club, and instead of typng the appropriate
onto a letter--Washington PUBLIC Interest Research Group--I made a typo,
wrote Washington PUBIC Interest Research Group. This @-work entry tells
that maybe I was right the first time.) (Second Editor's Note: Lauri is
third @-work nettwerk member since graduation to QUIT the Public Interest
I'm starting to see Dilbert's appeal.
Our external email server has been down for the past three days but is
this morning. This means that i was bombarded with backed-up emails all
morning. for the record: it is now 9:45 a.m. i have been here since 8:05.
have been reading and sending emails the *entire* time. not a single one
has been work-related.
From Elizabeth...The Saga of the Bathroom Lady Continues:
Okay, so the bathroom lady was back the day before Thanksgiving. SC went
and as soon as she entered the stall the feet appeared. She came back and
got me, and one by one our entire department went in there to check it
She was wearing a pair of fashion foward--though they were a bit chunky
my taste--black pumps. Her feet were crossed and she was hanging out. WH
went in and even went as far as kicking (lightly of course) her feet, and
the feet didn't even twitch. SC proposed that maybe she was dead, but WH
and EB confirmed that if she were dead she would surely have slid down to
the floor by now. AB and JC then went in, but she slipped out while they
were "occupied." So her identity is still a mystery. We did determine,
however, that she must have been sleeping and/or hiding from her boss. I
don't know. . .what a gross place to catch some zzzzzzz's.
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Nettwerk : Cubicle85@hotmail.com
Elizabeth Rose : email@example.com